


Writing in Spirals

by mpg91



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Drama, Family Drama, Gen, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Moral Ambiguity, Moral Dilemmas, Morally Ambiguous Character, Origin Story, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:16:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5835889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mpg91/pseuds/mpg91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spanning from Ben Solo’s childhood until the events depicted in The Force Awakens, this is the imperfect becoming of Kylo Ren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Writing in Spirals

It always started suddenly, without prediction and with such ferocious intensity that could transfigure him in a second.  It felt like a thousand blades were piercing his body, his breath shortening, becoming almost unnecessary; his skin burning as hot as the sun and his hands shaking like he couldn’t control them anymore. He ceased thinking or feeling, he could only exist in that moment as an embodiment of that fire.

In the beginning he didn’t know its purpose and it was exhausting, like a piece of himself that was climbing up his throat, pushing its way out of his body, forcing a permanent metamorphose. He couldn’t cope with it and nobody seemed to know what to do with Ben, because it was too different of perhaps too extreme. His parents tried to tame it for him, reassuring him that it would pass, that it was not part of him, that training would help and the Force would control it. He had believed it too, for he wanted nothing more than to fit in and become like the Jedi from his mother’s stories. To use the pulsating light inside as a shield against all harm, protecting himself and the rest of the world.

Sometimes it grew soft, almost as a whisper in the back of his mind, a white noise that even inconspicuous wouldn’t leave him alone. These moments were the simplest, his family’s projected virtue was close to a perfect match and he could see in the boy looking back in the mirror the very reflection of a brave hero. These moments were also as rare as they were non-lasting and not strong enough for him to break completely apart from the familiarity of the nasty thing inside.

As he grew older, Ben lived in a permanent feeling of rebellion, of trying to defy the expectations that his parents had for him, to break away from the family lineage and forge one that was his. It was suffocating living in his own body and, after a while, he could feel the fire turning to hunger, growing larger every day until he didn’t know who he was without it. Until he could not _be_ without it.

* * *

 

Like his mother and her father before her, Ben soon began sensing the Force. His uncle saw in him the proof of a brighter future, an apprentice to help restore the Jedi order and maintain the freshly acquired balance in the Force.

For a long time he trained alone with his uncle which strengthened their bond – a Master Jedi and his Padawan. The Force, on the other side, was as complex as Ben. He learned that its character was mainly dual, formed by two poles - the Light and the Dark. Like his Master before him, Luke Skywalker believed that no Jedi initiation could begin without proper acknowledgment of the Dark side of the Force, of its dangers and shortcomings. “A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind.”

To Ben, all of this sounded rather scary. As if Jedi were beings always dancing in the thin line between the absolutes of good and evil and the padawan, to his total frustration, always seemed to carry the wrong answer to all of his Master’s challenges. Luke was always reassuring, telling him it was fine to make mistakes and that the path of learning was arduous. Ben didn’t feel fine, he felt something inside was broken and the trainings often ended in him throwing tantrums, so enraged he had to be disarmed before he hurt himself.

After one of these episodes, his uncle sat by his side holding his hand and told him a story of a Jedi who, like Ben, had struggled to control his powers and use the Force. This Jedi continuously fed feelings of aggression, anger and ambition, feelings that the Light side does not condone. There was an uncontrollable lust inside this man for powers nobody should hold which ultimately led him to the Dark side. He became the Emperor’s disciple and his skills were used to eradicate the Jedi order and bring forth a new, vicious order – the Galactic Empire. His was a reign of terror and evil, bringing more and more war onto the galaxy, but even under such ruling, the Jedi found a new hope, another Force sensitive student who could bring an end to it. At last, the new Jedi was able to bring the lost one back into the Light but it was already too late, the darkness had eaten away what was left of his life.

“Do you understand why I am telling you this, Ben?” His uncle asked him after a long silence.

“You don’t want me to become like the dark Jedi?” The Padawan suggested, it sounded like a good answer.

Luke smiled tenderly and spoke again. “I want you to know that there is always a bit of Light within even when everything else feels like darkness. Following the easier path of anger won’t ever bring you what you seek. I know you sometimes feel like the lost Jedi of the story, but you mustn’t let that distract you from the truth.” Ben nodded back in understanding. “Do you know who this Jedi is?”

“Darth Vader?” He guessed.

“Yes.” Luke agreed and then, after staring at him for a while, said. “He was also your grandfather, Anakin.”

Ben gasped. “So he was like two different people?” That was clearly not the remark his uncle was expecting.

“Yes and no. Both identities were part of him but he never managed to balance their existence and the weakest parts were exploited by those who had much to gain from his knowledge of the Force. He was always at fight with himself and it came at a high cost, not only to him but to those he loved. As his grandson, this doubt also lives in you and it is our mission to learn how to answer to it.”

That night, Ben found it extremely hard to fall asleep, he kept imagining the Jedi turning into a monstrous being and wondering what that really meant. He had heard stories of Darth Vader and stories of his grandfather before but it had never occurred to him that these two very different personalities could co-exist in the same body. It was a shocking revelation but, for the first time in his life, he felt a truthful connection to his family. For the first time, he could recognize bits of himself in someone else’s feelings and struggles. For the first time, he finally saw an opportunity of belonging.

* * *

 

Since as far as he could remember that he found weakness repulsing. When faced with a malfunctioning droid or a hurt animal he never felt the drive to help them as strongly as the will to crush them out of their misery. Ben could not explain why but he just wanted to erase them from the galaxy until no proof of their pitiful existence remained. He was taught, nonetheless, that these feelings were as devious as unwanted and should not be nourished although he never quite comprehended the reason why.

After a while, the Jedi training started to feel awfully controlling, as if he were being groomed into someone he was not because his real self was too undesirable. His uncle was becoming more and more cautious around him, less the friendly image Ben remembered, he would often exchange meaningful looks with his mother that made her fall oddly quiet. He would argue with his father repeatedly and the look in his eyes afterwards never failed to push Ben over the edge.

Then, new students came and he wasn’t alone in training anymore. At first, Ben was delighted by the idea of having friends like him, with the same struggles and anxieties. It didn’t take much time for him to realize that even with the same talents and teachings, his classmates and he were worlds apart.

However, although he still felt frustratingly lacking all the time, the young Padawan began realizing the full extent of his abilities. He was always the first at mastering new skills and they started coming so naturally to him, Master Luke had to create more challenges just to keep him entertained. He was proud of his learnings and would practice in his colleagues, often choosing the path of fight over an easy disarmament. However it only took a look from his uncle for Ben to be reminded there was still something missing. He might never be ready to become a Jedi Master.

It was revolting and he found himself leaning more and more in the wicked voice in the back of his head. He began feeling like his identity was split, like he was an impostor who wanted to become a hero but was always too weak and too afraid to actually gain some control. Ben was tired of feeling fragile and observed, he wanted a life and a name he could own. Searching about Darth Vader and the Empire’s legacy turned into obsessions and soon became his only priorities. Why should he choose the Jedi way over any other way? History couldn’t judge him and he knew that if his grandfather were alive, he wouldn’t judge him either.

Darth Vader must have sensed his conflicted feelings from above because soon after he turned 14, Ben finally met the Master who could answer all of his doubts. The Supreme Leader could see and understand the turmoil inside him better than anyone Ben had ever encountered and, unlike his uncle, he didn’t attempt to tame him as if he were some dangerous animal. “The chaos you feel is the Republic’s fault.” He explained. “You are just a mirror of the world we live in. The First Order can help you feel whole again, and together we can bring stability and law back to the galaxy. I can give you power to finish what your grandfather started.”

When the Supreme Leader showed him the remains of Darth Vader’s mask he was overwhelmed by the connection, by his own emotions. At last, he had found his purpose.

* * *

 

The night was dark, still the red glow of his lightsaber was all the light he needed. With all the Padawan dead, the Jedi ceased to be. Finally, Kylo Ren was no longer an idea, a mere name, but a reality. Yet, the sacrifices for his new becoming were not all over, there was still one left- the most significant.

“I won’t fight you Ben. You are my sister’s son, blood from my blood, my brother by Jedi law.” Luke murmured wearily. Kneeling besides the lifeless bodies of his students, the Jedi temple burning in the background, he had never known such grief. He should have felt it, should have come sooner to prevent this catastrophe.

“There is no Ben anymore, only Kylo Ren.” The metal rasp of his voice felt right and fitting of a commandant.  Kylo wanted the Jedi to see him, to witness who he had become, who he had always been. “Look at me.”

Luke made no acknowledgement he had listened, his hand shaking slightly while closing the eyelids of one of his students. There was no hope left in those bodies.

“Look at me.” Kylo insisted. His black mask protected his newly forged identity, covering the face he couldn’t bear to look at without hating the resemblance to Han Solo’s. Not even his uncle with the power of the Force would be able to recognize Ben under it.

However, no will to retaliate came from the man in front of him, only regret, weakness.  Unlike himself, Kylo Ren was growing impatient, a familiar burning sensation in his gut resurging.

“LOOK AT ME.” He yelled, stretching his hand in the other’s direction, pulling the Jedi violently up and forcing him to stand in front of him.

“I cannot see you any more than you can see yourself.” He retorted dryly after a long pause. The words send a chill up his spine. He had thought his former Master would be enraged by the doings of the Knights of Ren, but even without having fought he looked defeated. As if the whole situation was somehow his fault. It made him sick.

“This is what the First Order is capable of. What _I_ am capable of.” Still no answer. “How is it? Seeing your most promising student abandoning all you believed in? Can you see how powerful I have become despite your lies? How I have been reunited with my true self you tried so hard to repress?” He was finding it harder and harder to repress his emotions. The Supreme Leader Snoke wouldn’t be pleased about this lack of restraint.

“You are just a child. You don’t understand what you have done.” Always the same condescending talk as if he were not a real person.

“No, it is you who never understood what you were doing. Did you think you could change me forever? Did you think I would never find out the truth?” Kylo mouthed the words angrily as if spitting out their poison. He could feel his self-control growing fainter at this collision.

Luke finally looked up at his face and even with his mask on, Kylo felt the strength of his stare. “And what truth would this be?”

“That I am my grandfather’s heir, that I am chosen to fulfil his design until no more chaos reigns in the galaxy.” He said proudly. “You’ve always denied me a place, a purpose. The Supreme Leader has made me see it.”

“Your grandfather was manipulated by someone who gained a lot by using his powers. He fought to his very last to remove the darkness from inside him, not to embrace it. You’ve got it all backwards.” The Jedi said calmly but with a hint of harshness unfamiliar to his voice. “My father wouldn’t want you idolizing his mistakes.”

“His only mistake was to surrender to his weakness in the end. A mistake I will _not_ repeat.” These words awoke a tiny bit of animosity in Luke, still not enough for a fair match.  “You were raising a tiger. How could you expect it not to turn against you and eat you up?” Feeling the tension growing, the Knight of Ren reached for his lightsaber’s hilt, ready to start a battle.

“I am aware you are as much Snoke’s creation as you are mine.” Luke said, his tone resolute but sad.

“You are gravely mistaken. I am no one’s creation besides my own.” Kylo sneered while igniting his lightsaber. It seemed that the conversation was making him more agitated than his former Master. “I have destroyed all of your foundations, murdered your beloved students on a whim.” The red gleam of the unstable light was reflected by the Jedi’s gaze. “Throw away the pressure to be good, uncle. Just follow your instincts. Fight.”

The final word was still warm in his mouth when Kylo moved forward, holding his lightsaber in an attack stance. When he saw the blue light he smiled knowingly, his confidence raising so high it was almost blinding. This was the final showdown. The apprentice versus the master.

The Jedi moved his lightsaber accordingly, predicting each forceful blow before it reached his body. He was familiar with Ben’s technique, where to aim and where to defend.  Kylo was becoming restless, he had been training with the Supreme Leader for years now and had managed to purge all the Jedi teachings from his mind, his fighting style completely new.

His lightsaber’s flickering light mirrored his own emotional state of mind, wavering incessantly with each groan of its user. This was no fair match. In a second it was all over, the blue light reaching his hilt, burning his uncovered hand slightly and sending his weapon away. Before he even tried to use the Force, Luke pushed him onto the floor, his mask flying away and his bare face soaked by the rainwater in the puddles that covered the ground. Kylo never felt so humiliated. It took all restraint he had left to repress voicing his outrage.

Luke kneeled beside him where he could see his face distinctly. “I was afraid this day would come and it is my fault I couldn’t reach to you sooner. I never wished this for you, Ben Solo.” The Jedi’s eyes were heavy with disappointment, and Kylo, despite all of his training in detachment, couldn’t help but feeling a pang of pain in his stomach. “But there is still time. Disregard this and come with me. I can help you.”

His body was burning with such wrath Kylo could barely see or hear. Unable to contain it any further he let out a fierce scream, as strong as his effort to break his uncle’s hold.

“YOU NEVER COULD.” He cried at the Jedi loathingly while trying desperately to gasp for air. “I am no longer your project. Don’t you understand? I have already plotted against you. I have abandoned you and all you stand for. I don’t want your help. I am not your bloody student anymore.” Without his mask to control the tone of his voice, his words sounded too close to himself. It was excruciating.

His uncle stayed there in what it seemed like an eternity, studying Kylo’s naked eyes carefully as if looking for something familiar in them. Would he kill him once he realized there was no Ben left?

“I was not wrong before and I won’t be wrong now.” There were tears in Jedi’s eyes when he spoke but Kylo couldn’t understand what he meant. He deserved to die after that poor demonstration of skill, he had failed the Supreme Leader terribly. Death was welcome if it meant his unceasing ineptitude would finally meet its end. He had barely been able to offer resistance against its former master but perhaps there was some poetry in being finished by the one who had given him power.

“You may not feel it yet, but there are others strong with the Force besides you. And as long as one is alive there is hope for all Jedi. There is hope for you. If you are brave enough to see it.”

Kylo watched his uncle’s silhouette stand up and move away from him. His partying words were “I forgive you, Ben. Goodbye.” He couldn’t remember anything after that.

* * *

 

In the years following his confrontation with his former teacher and his humiliating failure, Kylo had grown even more dedicated to the First Order and its mission, determined to erase his selfish needs and supress the tempting Light inside him completely.

Luke had spared his life in a repulsive act of compassion, leaving as its sole physical proof an ugly scar in Kylo’s hand. In the first days succeeding his defeat he felt he had lost his purpose again, the final mysterious words of the Jedi playing over and over in his mind like a riddle awaiting solution. Slowly, he started recovering from the dishonour he had experienced. His trainings became more and more severe as he vowed never to lose a combat again. His mind, that used to be filled only with thoughts of serving the Supreme Leader and the Dark side, found a new obsession in the search for the Jedi and the idea of retaliation.

He felt scared little Ben Solo was still alive somewhere within and he had to eliminate all bridges to it before he could truly become Kylo Ren.

* * *

 

The more he looked at the girl in front of him, the more impatient he grew. She was in possession of the only thing he had been seeking all these years but instead of helping him and making it easier on herself, she kept on putting a strong front and blocking his path.

“You still want to kill me.” He said slightly insulted at her foolish belief she would be a match for a Knight of Ren.

“That tends to happen when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.” The girl retorted, trying to sound matter of factly but her annoyance was getting the best of her.

Kylo paused for a minute, studying her. He could sense she was afraid but kept on displaying reckless self-assurance in her words. There was something familiar about her presence but he still couldn’t picture what. He felt the sting of irritation. Hers was an easy indulgence to abide to if it meant he would be able to get to Luke faster.

Dismissively, he stood up, unlatched and removed his helmet. He hadn’t bared his face in front of another human being in years. She was visibly surprised by this, probably expecting him to look older, but quickly resumed her bold glare while he returned to his position.

“Tell me about the droid.” The sound of his own voice, free from the metallic modulator of the mask, sounded weird in his ears and felt odd in his mouth. She started babbling about the specifications of the BB unit with feigned misunderstanding at his command.

“I am familiar with the details of the droid, you know that is not what I am asking about.” No hint of irritation could be sensed in his tone. “I want the navigational chart it showed to you, a mere scavenger…Rey.” Her discomfort was rising but she kept silent. “That is the only thing I need from you.” Why was she so unnervingly keeping her mouth shut? She had seen his abilities and knew he could take it by force. “You’ve seen what I can do before, you know I can take whatever I want.”

“Then you don’t need me to tell you.”

“I don’t.” Rising to his feet, his tall stature looming over her, he had almost to contain a sigh of vexation. Kylo had never met such a hindrance. “I satisfied your demand but you still refuse to abide to mine. Although you may think differently, I take no pleasure in this.” A pause, more time wasted in a mind that would not change its resolution. “I _will_ take what I want.”

Like before, he extended his arm towards her face, the gesture only a physical manifestation of a power exercised in an unseen domain. This time she fought harder against his probe but it was equally useless.

The first thought he reached was the same as in the forest of Tokodana, it appeared to be a constant in her mind. “You’ve been so lonely. So afraid to leave and move on.” Carefully, he continued. “At night, unable to sleep. An ocean…Yes, I can see its colour and hear the sound of the waves. It is an island.”

That made him halt. Searching around inside her mind was far from agreeable, there was an unsettling resonance with his own. At some points Kylo found it hard to discern which thoughts were his and which belonged to her.

Tears from exertion were running down Rey’s face, still, he carried on.

“Han Solo.” Unable to contain the tone of surprise at this discovery he tried to mask it with contempt. “You see in him the father you never had. I can tell you, with security, he would have disappointed you.”

She turned her face towards him, eyes filled with rage and frustration yet undefeated. “Get. Out. Of. My. Head.” At this he leaned closer. “I am not giving you anything.”

“We’ll see.” She kept glaring at him, still defiantly trying to block his intrusion. The sight of his father’s face inside this stranger’s mind had disrupted his self-restrain, upset his control. He could sense his searching becoming more and more unfocused as he was getting lost inside her thoughts and his own memories.

Then he saw it with his own eyes, his small hands holding the Darth Vader mask for the first time, all of his uncertainty and weakness dug out from the depths of his containment and thrown onto himself.

In panic, Kylo tried harder to push into her mind but it was hopeless, she had crossed over all of his shields, his secrets no longer buried. “You…” Her voice, no accusation, only a soft note of astonishment. “You are afraid… You are afraid that you will never succeed. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.”

Hearing his own fears spoken back to him in someone else’s voice burned their link and he immediately withdrew his hand from her face, shackling back the restraints on her wrists. Rey’s glare was even stronger than before and he felt naked without his mask. Disconcerted, he picked it up from the floor and moved away from her. She had seen too much.

* * *

 

 “We miss you”. Han said. The more he looked into his father’s eyes, the less he could see himself reflected in them. He saw only a stranger, someone so different from himself, Kylo couldn’t understand how they were connected or how shared the same blood. This was not what he had expected a reunion would feel like. It was far too empty in catharsis.

The vulnerability in his father’s eyes made him swallow hard. He hated it. The constant yearning for a son that he wasn’t, the permanent wish to overlook everything he had done to distance himself from Ben Solo. His father was too forgiving, too weak, never acknowledging him as a threat, always trying to turn him into someone else. “I'm being torn apart.” Ben murmured. “I want to be free of this pain.”

He needed to destroy all of his weaknesses in order to fully embrace the Dark side and finish Darth Vader’s mission. Han Solo was a loose end, a _test_ , as Snoke had put it.  

“All desire I ever had was not to disappoint you.” However, the more he spoke, the more he felt the words coming from a different place than he had intended, a place too close to be disciplined. It strangled him to talk. “I was consumed by your expectations and failing constantly. I was never the son you wished for.” He had to stop himself from reaching for this place before it was too late. His resolution had to be absolute. “I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” Han moved closer and he clenched his teeth in an effort to keep firm. “Will you help me?”

As anticipated there was a flicker of hope in his father’s eyes. Kylo realized in that moment that Han wasn’t really looking at him, he was looking at his idea of who Ben was, of who Ben could be. He hated him then.

“Yes. Anything.” Han said back and Kylo handed him the lightsaber slowly, his hand trembling ever so lightly. He could hear his pulse in his ears, fast and frantic. There was no turning back now, he wouldn’t have an opportunity like this ever again. But knowing this didn’t make it as easy as he expected, the longer he held onto the lightsaber the further away the opportunity seemed to escape. _This isn’t me, this is Ben._

“Thank you.” He said as he turned the lightsaber on and a beam of red pierced Han’s chest, casting an eerie red shadow over his own face. None of it felt real as if they were frozen in time, Han’s warm hand on his face, some faint screams in the background, his ears ringing, a body vanishing into the darkness. He had done it. He had killed his father… No, he had killed Han Solo. There was no Ben Solo anymore, only Kylo Ren. He had burned his pathway to the Light, passed the point of no return.

A shot caught him by surprise and he fell to his knees although he could hardly feel any pain. He believed that immediately after killing Han he would be consumed by a burst of power and determination, all of his doubts cleared in second, the puzzle of his quest on to the Dark side finally complete. As he kneeled on the bridge, his hand wet and crimson from his bleeding torso, Kylo felt even more powerless than before.

He was brought back from his reverie by the noise of the explosions. Looking up he met her eyes, tainted by a look of intense disgust. She hated him. This was good. This was something he could use. Snoke still needed her, her abilities ought to be trained and controlled before it was too late. She would become one of them.

He stood back up at once and empowered by this new ambition, dashed after her into the white forest.

* * *

 

It was over.

Kylo had never thought about holding his old lightsaber again, but after seeing it he could not shrug the desire to fight with it once more. Still, it was unexpected and somehow disappointing to see the blue saber separated from Luke. Being reunited with it just minutes after he had said goodbye to his former self felt almost appropriate.

Extinguishing his own weapon he reached for the other, using the Force to call it back to him. The lightsaber didn’t twitch. He focused, making his call more powerful, unmistakably clear. The saber vibrated a little and then it moved. But not to his hand.

The sudden sight of Rey holding his lightsaber was as unpredictable as maddening. He leaned in her direction, the abrupt movement awakening the pain in his torso.

“So it _is_ you.” He finally understood, for once certain she was the one Luke had mentioned before. A Jedi on the making. “That lightsaber belongs to me.”

As soon as he moved towards her, Rey turned the saber on, prepared to respond to his attack. The fight started, unexpectedly balanced, each attack begin blocked, going back and forth, back and forth. Although the girl had obviously never used such a weapon before, she balanced her inexperience with grit, the only thought keeping her going was the desire to beat Kylo Ren.

Kylo did not anticipate such a lasting battle, such a worthy opponent. All advantage he managed to gain, she got it back again with her courage. His power was fading considerably as his wound kept on bleeding.

The duel had a strange atmosphere to it, almost intimate, as if he was fighting some old friend. While defending against the childish yet strong blows from the saber he used to hold, Kylo was reminded of what had been found when he entered the girl’s mind- a loneliness that could mirror his own. Rey was as lonely as him but not quite in the same way, he had never been able to harvest that much power from it. That thought kept on piercing through his concentration, infecting his ambition with weak emotions, making him feel he was clashing not against that scavenger, but against his own self.

That realization made his pursue even more ruthless, fuelled only by the wanting to destroy her and everything of familiar she insisted on duelling him with. He could feel his demons possessing his spirit to the point she didn’t look real anymore. Briefly, he saw in front of him the image of his own father, not like Han had appeared minutes before, but as he remembered him from his childhood. He felt feverish and dizzy, he needed to keep the Light from poisoning his thoughts.

Kylo held his lightsaber against hers, ready to finish the battle at any second but instead of striking, said. “I could kill you, but there is another way.” His voice was calm, as sincere as he could manage. The pain on his side was getting intolerable. This was as much as her last chance as his. “Join me.”

However his plea didn’t move her the least, bringing back to her face instead a look of disgust that had been supressed during their confrontation. “You murdered your own father. You are a monster.” Rey retorted, her voice trembling with loathing.

“No. You need a teacher.” He insisted reassuringly, seeing in this his final opportunity to prove himself worthy. “I can show you the ways of the Force.”

“The Force.” She said closing her eyes as if remembering a past lesson. In a second, Kylo felt something shifting. There was no struggle inside her, no battle left to be fought. All was perfectly clear, exceptionally powerful. He envied it terribly and wanted to have it for himself, the strongest weapon he could ever obtain.

Before he could react, however, she waved the lightsaber furiously in his direction, absolutely no technique, only raw determination. Taken aback, Kylo tried to retreat so that he could regain a higher ground but he was too unfocused and clumsily tripped, her saber hitting his own, throwing it far away. Kylo couldn’t understand a thing of what was happening, if destroying his past wasn’t enough to make him invincible, to completely clear his vision, he didn’t know what more he had to do. He had given what most precious he had to give to the Dark side, but he was still lacking, still not satisfied.

He tried to summon his weapon back to him but his entitlement wasn’t sufficient. Suddenly, he saw a flash of blue and fell backwards, staining the white of the snow with the red of his own blood. The pain on his face was so intense it felt like it was being split in two, his body burning although the ground underneath was colder than ever. He didn’t need to look at Rey to feel the darkness possessing her mind, inviting her to finish him, seducing her with power to put everything in its right place. If he had to die, he had at least accomplished her transformation.

Nevertheless, the darkness died as fast as it had swelled leaving them only a minute to look at each other before the ground cracked open beneath, separating the two. Rey wouldn’t kill him this time and although that came as a relief, it also came as a disappointment.

He laid on his back as the urgency of the moment seemed to vanish along with the trees that the land had swallowed. His consciousness was starting to fade away, he could barely feel any pain inside the tight grasp of the snow. That was the first time Kylo had been defeated since his last encounter with Luke Skywalker. Years had passed but the sensation in his shattered pride was the very same. Expecting never to feel the same humiliation as before, he received only the bitter taste of a reencounter doubled in measure.  

He anticipated the appearance of the familiar feeling of burning inside his body, the wrath that would eat him alive from within. Instead, enduring the hostile ice cold, he earned a rare sensation he couldn’t describe.

Nothing was as it should, all in himself transforming abruptly beyond recognition, turning into something he hadn’t allowed. Like always, it seemed all decisions regarding his identity were external to his control. Trying to inject all of his choices with meaning when at the end of the day there was only a perpetual march left. This fatherless Kylo Ren didn’t feel powerful. He felt scared, weaker than anything Ben Solo had ever been. Instead of fuelled, he was completely drained out, like a dying fire slowly disappearing into ashes.

Behind tears of fatigue he discerned Hux’s unpleasant silhouette looming over him, his mouth moving although Kylo couldn’t make sense of any of the sounds coming out. He wished he had his helmet on to cover up the agony showing in his face. Hux would never forget such a sight and he would never forgive him for that.

Looking at the red sky exploding above his head, Kylo was reminded of the look in Rey’s face right before she overpowered him. He had seen it before, in Luke’s goodbye, in his own eyes before he had lost his way and hidden his lack of ambition with a mask. Grasping roughly the ice that surrounded his unmoving body, he held the snowflakes tightly in his closed fists until they were crushed, this gesture a corporeal display of his unspeakable feelings.

Kylo couldn’t bear the idea of the Light triumphing over the Dark. The Supreme Leader couldn’t be wrong. His defeat was his own fault and it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean he was mistaken or that he wouldn’t accomplish what Darth Vader had dreamt about, if anything his disfigured face would bring him closer to his grandfather. It didn’t mean anything, it wouldn’t mean anything.

He realized then that the girl would never become part of the First Order no matter how tempted by the Dark she might have been. He had undeniably found parts of himself inside her mind but they matched only the remaining fragments of his soul that had been infected by his uncle’s teachings.  The two of them were built differently, moved by disparate drives towards opposite destinations. She could never be his student. Her light could never become a tool of his darkness.


End file.
